Playgrounds, work crushes and accountability

My friends get cringing reflexes whenever I tell them that a guy I work with his hot.  And more specifically when he is both hot and married.  Despite the fact that my life has significantly improved since leaving my old job – they’re worried about recidivism.  I understand that alcoholics stay away from bars to make it easier to resist temptation.   But it is very difficult to avoid hot married men when you have to go to work. And the problem is two fold.  On the one hand I have an affinity for older, powerful men.  On the other hand, they have an affinity for young, ball busting women.  And given my line of work, the powder keg and the match have frequent interactions.   Thus the “here we go again” look in my friends eyes whenever I mention an interaction.

Last year I was driving a good friend to the airport and I told him “it was starting again” with guy at my new job and that I could see where things were headed.  My friend told me I had to own up to my own decisions. And I told him he didn’t understand – that this just KEPT HAPPENING to me.  And he was concerned that I’d have to quit my job again.  I spent the whole car ride trying to get him to understand how hard this was for me.  How the men who were my intellectual equals I tended to meet at work.  And the men that I spent the most of my time with tended to fall head over heels for me.  These attractions felt like an engine on a runaway train where no one could find the breaks. And he shook his head in frustration and got on a plane. I'm not the easiest person to try to help.  

He came back to me a few weeks later and told me to be careful when I was alone with the new coworker.  I told him I’d be fine because he was "just a friend."  And then he said – well if he’s truly your friend you won’t make it hard for him to stay faithful.  And I argued that faithful husbands aren’t tempted. And he said “trust me; just make sure you’re acting like a friend.”

I used to tell a story about my kindergarten years to male executives.  When I was 5, I paid a boy to kick me.  And then I ratted him out to the teacher for kicking me and got him in trouble.  When a boy kicks a girl after she’s asked him – who is to blame?  Deep down inside shouldn’t he know that kicking little girls is wrong?  On the other hand – asking a boy to kick you isn’t being a very good friend.

I’m starting to learn that very few things in life “just happen.”  It’s easier to veer off onto the wrong roads when they’re well paved.  And as a counter measure – whenever I find myself being too attracted to said coworker I pick on him.  Because truly I’ve evolved very little after 1st grade.